Glad to Just be Dad

          It is difficult to be a father of a teenager these days, especially a teenage girl. I can remember the time of my teen angst, growing up with no plans for what I will become in the future and always wanting to be away from home. All that mattered was friends, females and skateboarding so that is all I made time for. The view I had of my parents was a view I thought would never be placed on me- oblivious, embarrassing, unsympathetic… the list goes on. Today those words describe me. To my daughter, Ashley- 16, I am what my dad was to me; I am my dad. As much as I would like to think I have all the answers for her before she asks the questions, I don’t. I really don’t know what it is like to be a teenager right now. We all lose sight eventually through the changing of the times. But I can tell you this, I believe I am a good father.

It is not easy to look into a mirror and see the same person that other people see. I wish I had a nickel for each time someone had thought that my daughter is someone else in relation to me. I can still on occasion get a check stand clerk who refers to me as her brother or “friend.” More often is the question from her girlfriends saying, “That’s your dad?” It is not too often that someone assumes that we are father and daughter. I suppose I look too young, after all, I was only eighteen when Ashley was born and she always seemed to grow faster physically than I could age visually and perhaps, mentally, too. It is precisely for that reason that I still have a hard time thinking that I can be called anything other than a cool dad. I guess we all hope for that but rarely achieve it.

Recently, after our move from Oregon to Utah, my parenting skills have been challenged. My daughter had made the decision to move back to Oregon to live with her mother. The thought of being able to allow her to go took some time and at first, I was not going to let her go. But I suppose I was already preparing for the idea that she may want to move back when we first arrived here; her friends back home have always been at the top of her list of important people. When the time of her move neared, a man at my church was conversing with me and some others about teenage thoughts, wants and needs. He said, “Sometimes we as adults think we know what is important to [teenagers]. But what is important to them is what is important to them, and we have to be able to respect that.” Those words ran around in my head like the blood that pumps through it. I suddenly had the feeling that all my reasons for her to stay here in Utah were my reasons and not hers. I finally saw it and it became time to let her go.

It has only been a few short weeks since Ashley moved to Oregon to live with her mother. I am still trying to get used to the fact that she is no longer hiding in her room or hanging out with a friend. At some point, our children grow up and deserve to have an opinion whether we agree with it or not. It is the respect and freedom that we give as parents to our children that set the relationship up for success. Often times, when we make our decisions for them, we lose sight of what is often more important- their ability to make decisions and learn through consequence. We can also miss the opportunity to strengthen the relationship through trust. When she needs something in the future, I know that she can feel comfortable coming to me about it.

While I have had to take the rough path at being a father, I would not change a minute of it. We become who we are by what we learn and, although I may not always be the most important man in her life, I will always be Dad, and that is all I want to be… in every defining way.