Wake Me When It's Over

On this summer night of August it's so clear
That we need a new adventure
to get us through the year
And I'm always thinking how it was back then
When we were always laughing...
I want it all again...
But to never let it end

Wake me when it's over
I wanna sleep through October
And the rest of winter, too
Or I'll never make it through
Give me a good reason
To stay awake through the season
The holidays are hard and way too long...
Since you've been gone

Every little scent always reminds me
Of the way we used to be
So fun, so wild and free
And it never gets as easy as it was
We were always finding places
To drive to just because...
It's not quite like it was so...

Wake me when it's over
I wanna sleep through October
And the rest of winter, too
Or I'll never make it through
Give me a good reason
To stay awake through the season
The holidays are hard and way too long...
Since you've been gone.

Thinking back, I remember you
Funny, all the things we'd do
I wish we could both do it all again
Now and then I wonder still...
I wonder if we ever will
I might have to wait until the end...
Until then...
Wake me when it's over.

Alone In The Crowd...continued (part I and II)

Just another day in this small town
And like you the skies are grey
You couldn't find yourself out there
And got lost along the way
It's such a lonely road we live on
There's no one else for miles
And the only thing of beauty around here
Is when you smile... but its been a while.

The record plays the saddest songs
A soundtrack to your years
As you stare outside the window
I see the reflection of your tears
And no one understands your sorrows
You hide it deep within
But even if you found a way
To let someone in... where would you begin?

You can't lose yourself in this make believe
You'd rather sleep than be awake
Drifting along in dreams hoping someday
These scribbled lines will be straight
So reality has long been hurting
And there's no pills for this kind of pain
I guess it's just part of life
And they say it's a game... but it's not the same.

There's no need to find the answers
To those questions in your head
You kept looking for some closure
But found confusion instead
And when the rainbows lose all their color
'Cuz the rains have washed them out
Just remember who has always been there
And who's here now... alone in the crowd.

The nights are cold and feel like winter
And memories aren’t warm enough
Your thoughts get lost within your silence
I know the emptiness can make it tough
But it’s ok to have those feelings
When you can’t help but simply cry
And some might say it gets easier
As time goes on by… but you know  that’s a lie

You can always find some sort of outlet

Since you don’t believe in needing help
Maybe someday you will come realize
That it’s not only for yourself
Emotions are so hard to control
And you thought you had it all along
Until the memories come to haunt you
Proving you were wrong… it’s hard to be strong

You often wonder if God forgot you

Or maybe he can’t hear your prayers
So you make excuses not to say’em
Sometimes life just isn’t fair
You might feel you’re going crazy
And you wanna start screaming out loud
‘Cuz while you stared at the fading rainbow
You realized you were the cloud… washing it out

But moving on is not forgetting
There’s always that place inside your heart
Where all the memories play like movies
Filled full of your favorite parts
Now, you can’t live your life running
Trying to escape all your biggest fears
So when you get lost in the crowd
And all hope disappears… I’ll still be standing here.

Still I Wonder

Drivin' down the highway
Listnin' to the road
Thinkin' 'bout tomorrow
Predicting the unknown
I've been a lot of places
But no place to call home
And so I wander and I wonder
which way I should go

The summer I go northbound
The winter I go south
Some places I return to
But always a different route
The country roads feel longer
But beautiful to me
And on I wander, still I wonder
Where I'm supposed to be

I've met a lot of people
I've made a lot of friends
And I may stop to see some
And some never again
Sometimes I may feel lonely
But not enough to cry
On I wander, now I wonder
When's my time to die

Out in Pennsylvania
Someone waits for me
But she won't starve my hunger
Of longing to be free
So she stays there waiting
And she's always on my mind
So it wanders and I wonder
What I'm trying to find

May 23

Some things are hard to remember but this... I see everyday
It flashes through my daydreams and the visions won't go away
It's strange for a mind to wander and always end up there
It must be the busiest part of a blank stare

I can see it all too clearly, it was a busy Saturday
Friends and family visited while the children went out to play
Everything seemed so perfect- a brand new place, a brand new start
The last place you would expect a broken heart

There was never a bigger moment for time to take its time
I remember thinking to myself, "Everything gonna be fine"
But the nerves, the wait and the wonder- the things we saw and heard
I can't begin to try to put in words

Of course, it's all too easy to be angry or shift blame
But we knew it wouldn't help and things would never be the same
But life goes on as always even though we can't forget
That day in May when the sun would never set

It's always hard to think about it and I tear-up when I do
It's that one defining moment between what's false and what is true
But I always find that minute of the day when I'm alone-
Remembering bits and pieces and drifting off in the unknown

Right now it still is difficult to try to understand
And it's only in the dreams we have that we can hold his hand
But I hope that someday we can see what all of this was for
I guess God needed his angel a little more.

Baby Steps

    I know this is different from what I normally post but I decided to venture out from the norm. I might do that a little more, I think. As you all know, every so often I post poems I've written. Some of them I wrote back when I played music in garage bands. Those were intended to be songs. I think they might be easy to point out if you pay much attention to the patterns, they usually come with a chorus. The others are more recent. I like writing them because I feel I'm letting it all out, sorta speek. I don't really allow myself to have too many people to talk to about certain events of my life. It's not like I really enjoy talking about certain things anyway. After all, I am just like anyone else: I hide more than I should.
    I don't know how many people read these or how often, but that doesn't really matter. I guess I write more for myself. Maybe I'll make a book out of them someday, who knows. If you are one who reads, thank you, I appreciate it. But please, don't read too much into each one. Some are only my own depiction about someone else's situation. But only some. I do tend to put a little of my own life into each one that isn't about my experiences, though. That's just habit of writing what I know.
    The first time I ever wrote for myself was when my parents were planning on a divorce. I was in a very strange and dark part of my life then. I was hanging out in the wrong places with the wrong people. But afterall, I just turned eighteen, two days after my parents just moved to Texas and I was on my own with nowhere to live but random houses of freinds and aquintences. I will admit that drugs were a part of my confusion in life, too. I am human. Do not judge.
    It wasn't long after that my father past away. That was the real beginning of life. Everything I thought I knew, everything that made sense, all seemed to get wadded up into this big ball of nothing like some big black hole sucking any sort of light out my world. I suddenly had to deal with a big part of life which ironically is just the opposite, death. There was nothing that could make me feel like I was getting anywhere in dealing with this until I found music, playing music and writing songs. Little did I know, I would have to experience the loss of loved ones again and again.
    I sometimes feel cheated, you know? I'll hear a story once in a while about how someone went here or there with their father, whether it be camping, fishing, vacation or even just golfing, and I get a little jeolous. That's usually when I drift off into a thought about how nice it would be to still have him around and then I think, "What kinds of things would we do together?" There are those moments, too, when I hear someone bicker and complain about how they don't like something about their father. I just want to slap them in the face to make them realize how fortunate they still are. I would give anything for five minutes! I guess we only know life by experience.
   Well, I guess the whole point of this is me. I'm opening up a little more. That is only a small piece of the puzzle that is me, I know. Baby steps. I might sometimes hide behind some artful words I glued together and posted on a blog that no one reads just to get the feeling of satisfaction out but this worked, at least at this moment. I might regret it in the morning. A feeling I know all too well....

Simple Thoughts

With  memories fading in and out
And wondering what this life’s about
It’s hard to try to keep our minds in cruise
Fall asleep on Tuesday night
Awaken to the Monday’s light
Nothing ever compares to what we lose
Broken hearts and stolen minds
Simple thoughts are hard to find
We’re feeling like there’s nothing left to see
Broken plans can change the path
And now we wonder where we’re at
For once, it would be nice to finally breathe…

Alone In The Crowd

Just another day in this small town
And like you the skies are grey
You couldn't find yourself out there
And got lost along the way
It's such a lonely road we live on
There's no one else for miles
And the only thing of beauty around here
Is when you smile... but its been a while.

The record plays the saddest songs
A soundtrack to your years
As you stare outside the window
I see the reflection of your tears
And no one understands your sorrows
You hide it deep within
But even if you found a way to open up
And let someone in... where would you begin?

You can't lose yourself in this make believe
You'd rather sleep than be awake
Drifting along in dreams hoping someday
These scribbled lines will be straight
So reality has long been hurting
And there's no pills for this kind of pain
I guess it's just part of life
And they say it's a game... but it's not the same.

There's no need to find the answers
To those questions in your head
You kept looking for some closure
But found confusion instead
And when the rainbows lose all their color
'Cuz the rains have washed them out
Just remember who has always been there
And who's here now... alone in the crowd.

Better Wall Than a Window

It's amazing... I never thought this could be.
She holds on to me and never lets go.
A fallen angel... somehow stuck in this world.
But such a sad little girl that won't let it show.
She cries when she drives late at night
with no one else around.
And all the tears shed through the years of pain
have weighed her down.
I wonder...I wonder how could this be?
'Cuz she's in love with me and nobody else.
Yet she's lonely...It's a long lonely fall
when you're feeling so small and not like yourself.
I wonder if she'll ever let me in inside her mind.
Don't get me wrong, I know she's strong...
but she can't be all the time.

No Receipt...

No one ever said this would be easy.
So I guess that's all I have for my defence.
I brought you here and made this yours to live with.
And I know right now this isn't making sense.
Your belief in me has truly been a gift.
I'm sorry it's not a gift you can return.
But like they say- life always has its lessons.
You become who you are by what you learn.
Like our mind our heart can change as often.
Or sometimes they don't change but more evolve.
I'm sorry if you might feel it wasn't worth it.
But I never was a problem for you to solve.

Random Thoughts

It’s hard to imagine the things we don’t know.

Things we can’t see and places we can’t go.

It’s hard to know what’s wrong and what’s right.

Is it based on circumstance or based on sight?

How do you know what to say at a time

When words can’t even begin to define?

And how do you describe the emotions you feel

When you don’t even know if you’ve begun to heal?

It seems so easy to cry out for help.

But no one can relate to how it felt.

Are they lending their mind or just lending their ears?

Could you really tell them your inner most fears?

What about life? Do you know the meaning?

Are you the type to say “seeing is believing”?

Take a step back and look in a mirror.

Would you understand the message if it was more clear?

Don’t judge, don’t lie, don’t cheat and don’t steal.

Don’t be afraid to stand up and be real.

When We Were Kings

I remembered for a moment when you and I were kings-
Living like we didn't care much about anything.
We shared the best of times in that boiling summer heat-
Lighting strips of gasoline in the middle of the street.
How careless we once were and to reminisce again-
But we can’t even talk like we used to way back then.
When our only worry was where to skate or what to do that night-
The girls we tried to lure in but rarely got a bite.
So I wonder if you think about those times when we were young.
Now they're days I dream about even though I forget some.
And things may not have been easy; learning right from wrong.
We both were living out our lives but yours didn’t last as long.
I would reach out for a moment but where can you be found?
You've floated out there for so long and never came back down.
But thinking of those yesterdays, I know you're still out there.
Drifting through the atmosphere, your soul as light as air.
Either way its hard to think about how much has changed.
Everything is different now so it’s hard to stay the same.
But I hope you can be honest with yourself and where you are.
And when the day turns into night and you're up in the stars-
Make a wish and reminisce to someone close to you.
About a time when we were kings and the things we dared to do.

I Miss You

I would play and sing a song if you could listen.

I’d paint you up a picture if you could see.

I’d bring you fresh cut flowers if you could smell them.

And if you could feel we would go swing against the breeze.

I’d show you all my scars if you would let me.

And I promise not to tell you how I feel.

‘Cuz in the end I know it’s all just fiction.

And all of this would change to something real.

There are so many things that I could tell you.

And I’d skip the parts where I was feeling down.

It’s hard to fake a smile when you need to.

And I guess I just miss having you around.

The Game

To whom it may concern,

I’ve watched these candles burn.

I’ve taken my own life and turned it around.

So what is wrong and what is right?

I’m afraid I’m losing sight.

So now I think this all might take me down.

What happened to fear?

What happened to conscience?

What happened to purity?

I’m sure it’s me who’s lost.

When is it the same?

Who is there to blame?

We’re losing time

So where’s the line that’s being crossed?

So I’m sure it’s hard to see.

But it’s like the air we breathe,

It’s something that we need

So fill your lungs.

I’m living day by day

without turning away.

And I’ve had so much to say

But I bit my tongue.

So what happened to fear?

What happened to conscience?

What happened to purity?

I’m sure it’s me who’s lost.

When is it the same?

Who is there to blame?

We’re losing time

So where is the line that’s being crossed?

Fall of a Broken Heart

I stare out the window as I sit here on my own.

I’m getting sick of this small town.

Another season ends in this place I call me home.

I watch the leaves fall to the ground.

Well, I wish that I had wings so I could fly away sometime.

Find my own little paradise and leave this place behind.

I checked the mail today

and I guess I’m broke again-

Just another thing that’s got me down.

Inside was a fake post card of a place I could’ve been

when you were gone and not around.

Well, I wish that I had wings so I could fly away sometime.

Find my own little paradise and leave this place behind.

Reck-ed Reunion?

Do you remember when we were just kids?

The places we went and the things we did?

Thinking back I remember a time-

when we all got along and things were just fine.

But now there’s a war and how did it start?

Do we want this family to crumble apart?

We bicker, complain and gossip about.

Our kids are nearby as we scream and shout.

So why do we do this and what is it for?

To make us feel better or hurt even more?

It seems we only break to start a new fight.

I’m sure we all know what’s wrong and what’s right.

Someone once said its results from that day,

-That fifth of November when Dad went away.

Now, I know we all hurt and maybe still grieve.

But I found some peace here in what I believe:

Someday I will see him and see Parker, too.

I’ll see Grandpa and Tyler and see all of you.

It’s our gift from God and its part of His plan.

If we still went to church we would all understand.

We want to be happy and it’s what we all need.

But we’ll never get there if we continue to bleed.

I hope we can claim peace right where we stand.

I want to us to someday stand hand in hand.

I know that the battle has calmed down for now.

But I know it will flare up again somehow.

So let’s bandage the wounds and un-break our hearts.

Let’s share all together and make a new start.

We can bury the hatchet along with our pride.

We can all come together without picking sides.

I challenge each one to find peace with each other

And work out the issues with our sisters and brothers.

I mean no offense; just my thought for the day.

If dad were here, what would he say?

Mile 19

Another mile on the road and it’s all the same to me.

I drift my thoughts along the way. -It’s not like it used to be.

Do you remember when we’d fly like we were birds without a care?

Now I fly alone ‘cuz you got lost out there somewhere.

But I’ll wave once in a while, a passing smile just because.

And I hope you can remember about how it really was.

Every place may look the same but a different memory is left behind.

But somewhere along the way I’ll visit one sometime.

And although some might be fading, others I still see clear.

And I’ll etch my name into the wood just to say that I was here.

Curves of Winter

Winter nights still come along and I still hear her quiet song

singing like a ringing in my ear.

She hides herself but never sees she changes like the autumn leaves

and I sometimes wonder what I’m doing here.

She says she wants to get away to relieve herself from all the pain

of memories she wishes wasn't there.

And she wants to plant a garden just before the soil hardens.

She hums as she puts flowers in her hair.

These cold nights of December are like ones I can't remember.

My memory is as pale as her skin.

But as I watch her dance in motion her dress waves like the ocean.

She stops takes a bow and then she grins.

For a moment she looks at the stars, smiles as she points to ours

and asks if I dream anymore.

And I can see she's crying as she pretends that she's flying

and I just watch.... as she soars.

Book of Dreams

In a book of dreams it always seems
that you were always here.
And I believe it's true that I'll see you.

I’ll always hold that dear.
If it's true what they say I can't wait ‘til that day
when I see your shining face.
And then I'll be glad and no longer sad
when I see that heavenly place.
If I could send you a letter
then I would feel better
but I cannot see you smile.
But that's ok that you've gone away,
I'll see 'ya in a while.
Yesterday I touched the sky
but I didn't ask you why
because it was only a dream.
I just want you to know
that I still love you so
and I'm keeping my conscience clean.

Too Much Too Fast

I can't tell you what I’m thinking

but I can't keep breaking your heart.

I should have by now, but I just don't know how

so I’ve pulled all the pieces apart.

How do you heal without hurting?

Well, I know all the wrong things to do.

I feel I can't go without letting you know

that it's me who did this, not you.

It’s not worth it, cause it's not perfect.

I wanted you to break my heart.

I know I can deal with this fashion.

Your compassion is wearing me thin.

All of those times, I just gave you a line.

This is where the ending begins.

I’ve placed all my cards on the table

but you had the ace up your sleeve.

But I didn't care about winning because

I knew I was ready to leave.

It’s not worth it cause it's not perfect.

I wanted you to break my heart.

Through Smoke and Fire

I can sit out here all night and stare up at the stars.

I can share my own opinions or stories about scars.

I can listen to my worries, I know I have a few

Or I can sit here quietly while thinking about you.

My head sometimes gets cloudy because there’s too much on my mind.

-With thoughts about the future and all the best of times.

Although my memory is fading, I’m reminded about some.

It’s hard to think about’em all and all the things we’ve done.

I often wish to go there and change how some things are.

Maybe make a wish or two upon a falling star.

We all want something different when something’s incomplete.

Where emotion is too prevalent and words are obsolete.

But after all, we all still wonder if there’s something better there

Than the life we learn to live and the memories that we share.

I Failed

I can’t help from feeling sorry for you now.

I’ve asked myself what I did wrong.

I’ve tried so hard to make the ending come out right...

...and my fight was strong.

But not enough for you.

so what can I do?

You know I tried but it’s out of my control.

So now what’s left?

I guess we’ll see.

I’m sorry that I failed… it’s all on me.

I’m not asking for some sympathy because

all I want is what’s best for you.

I can try to find the silver lining here

but what’s the use? It’s overdue.

All I wanted was to push a little more

But the ending is still the same.

A broken heart is a hard thing to recover from

So let’s not change.

But yet I tried so hard for you

and my hands were tied.

You know I tried...

but it’s out of my control.

So now what’s left?

I guess we’ll see.

I’m sorry that I failed… it’s all on me.

Don't Drift Away

I can feel you breathing as you sleep so quietly.

It’s getting harder to remember how things used to be.

There’s a wall that now surrounds you and it keeps me from getting in.

I’d break it with my fingers but then it builds again.

Don’t tell me everything is fine and nothing’s wrong.

Did you forget whose side I’m on?

Don’t drift away. We need each other now.

I’m drowning here in empathy and time is running out.

Give me a sign, don’t throw it all away.

I’m barely holding on out here by words you wouldn’t say.

I whisper words so softly even though you couldn’t hear.

I share with you my secrets and tell about my fears.

I need you now and always. I can’t do this on my own.

I guess once in a while we need some time alone.

But don’t tell me everything is fine and nothing’s wrong.

Did you forget whose side I’m on?

Don’t drift away. We need each other now.

I’m drowning here in empathy and time is running out.

Give me a sign, don’t throw it all away.

I’m barely holding on out here by words you wouldn’t say.

Our lives may not be perfect

but we’ll walk this road no matter where it goes.

In the end it will be worth it

and we’ll finally see what we were always meant to be.

I can’t wait to mend the seams

of this broken heart and these broken dreams.

Somewhere beyond where eyes can’t see

we’ll find a place- a place for you and me.

Adolescents

Remember skating through the grade school parking lots

and starting fires just to watch them burn?

I guess we never thought much about growing up

or thought much about everything we’d learn.

Sometimes we would hang out at the doughnut shop,

making fun of everybody passing by.

No matter what it was we always had our fun

savoring the moments left behind…

…but where did it go and how’d we get here?

What happened to the nights when we didn’t care at all?

Where did it go and how’d we get here?

I’m still waiting for your call.

Sneaking out at night was always such a rush,

smoking cigarettes and drinking beer.

Laying in the desert watching satellites,

I’ve never seen the skies look so clear.

I sometimes think about the stars above us,

wondering if any shine for me.

I’d wish upon those stars so we were kids again,

The only time in life that we felt free…

…So where did it go and how’d we get here?

What happened to those nights when we didn’t care at all?

Where did it go and how’d we get here?

I’m still waiting for your call.

Early November Mourning

The rain falls down upon me and the wind blows through my hair.

I can feel the pain of heartbreak all around.

Another season turns. I think of all the things I’ve learned

as I watch the fallen leaves touch to the ground.

I can’t help myself, all the pain that I felt

still leaves me with these empty eyes.

I point to my scars as I look to the stars

and I scream, “Why did you have to die?!"

Someday I’ll see you, someday we’ll meet again.

Someday, I promise you. I just don’t know when.

The memories often haunt me, planting visions in my head

but this place is always closure for me.

I sometimes think I hear you and I wonder if you’re there,

just another part to my reality.

I can’t help myself. All the pain that I felt

still leaves me with these empty eyes.

I point to my scars as I look to the stars

and I scream, “Why did you have to die?!"

Some day I’ll see you. Someday we’ll meet again.

Someday, I promise you. I just don’t know when.

Someday I’ll see you, somewhere beyond the stars.

I hope that we remember who we are.

Do I disappoint you or make you proud?

What star should I point to when I sing out loud?

Unpublished

I could write you all a book
but would you even take a look
if I told you everything in it was true?
See, I'd write upon each page
all my sadness, joy and rage
but would it even matter at all to you?
I've had sadness when alone
and my joy has always shown
but my rage has always been there bottled in.
And when I dream I go
to places no one ever knows
because I want to live my life there in the end.